Reimagining Golf As College Football Conferences

Here at Fried Egg Golf, we can’t help but love college football. It’s weird, it’s controversial, it’s frequently unfair, it’s made up of all these loosely connected pieces that kind of work together, but also logically don’t. Reports surfaced on Thursday that the College Football Playoff will likely be expanded to 24 teams — because why not?

If you built the sport from scratch, would you have various disparate organizations vying for power and exerting their influence to benefit their own interests, perhaps at the expense of the greater sport? Probably not, but that’s where we are.

It sounds a lot like our favorite sport, golf! That got us thinking: If golf was college football, what would their conference equivalent be? We got deep in the lab and cooked up a few ideas for this edition of the Friday newsletter.

SEC — Augusta National

‍Once a very Southern institution, built on tradition with a complicated racial past, but has now evolved into a dominant cultural force that prints money and brings casuals into the fold. The arrogance can be off-putting, but it’s also part of its charm. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Big Ten — USGA

‍The people in charge love to wear blue blazers and brag about following the rules, even as some of their members fudge them regularly, then claim ignorance. (Shoutout to Oregon Duck Wyndham Clark.) Stubborn and unwilling to evolve, was in danger of losing relevance a decade ago, but now has come roaring back. Still loves to remind you that it’s the oldest institution in the game. Legends and Leaders sounds like something you spent $100,000 in consulting fees on. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

ACC — PGA Tour

‍Still a very notable institution, but the fact that they don’t have any majors is problematic. Feels like members are often leaving or threatening to leave, then being welcomed back for the good of the league. Tiger Woods is a lot like Florida State, when you think about it. A legendary member who was supposed to prop up this whole enterprise for another decade, and yet this era has been a considerable letdown. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Big 12 — PGA of America

‍Headquartered in North Texas, it isn’t the biggest show in town — not anymore, at least. When it comes up in conversation, it’s usually in the context of its identity, or lack thereof. But on any given Saturday, particularly in September, it can still produce one hell of a show. It isn’t the SEC, and there is a certain level of tackiness to it, but it still holds real value. –Joseph LaMagna

MAC — TGL

‍It’s played on weird days and at odd times; everyone likes to say it’s fun and people claim to be big fans (which they might be saying ironically?) but then you turn it on and it’s actually some of the worst gameplay you’ve ever seen. It’s good for two viral moments a year, and likely exists so ESPN has some live inventory during the week in non-peak sports times. What else are people going to bet on during a random Tuesday night? –PJ Clark

Ivy League — R&A

‍Kind of snotty, has been around since the dawn of the sport, loves to talk about integrity and honor, and how the game should be played for the right reasons. At one point they didn't allow women to join, which they have memory-holed. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Mountain West — YouTube Golf

‍What are the stakes here? Only those involved know. It often doesn’t seem serious, but … it is kind of interesting? There are worse ways to spend time late on a Thursday night. Some members are thirsty for attention, others are just here to compete. Everyone is constantly breaking away to do their own thing or feuding with another member, but it seems like there is a steady supply of people eager to join. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Sun Belt — LPGA

‍Okay, you’re doing your best, but man, how do you convince more people to watch this with so few stars? It feels like you need three different channels and maybe the ESPN app and Peacock and YouTube TV just to find it? Also, you play in the weirdest places, like Arkansas and South Alabama. You need better marketing, but even if a guy from Dude Perfect took a crack at this, it would be a tall order. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Rutgers — Champions Tour

‍Yes, they’re in a conference, but stay with me on this. These are the entities that shaped the games we know and love today, and that past history has opened doors for both to reach new heights (by association). They may be slightly out of place in the current ecosystem of the sport, but you can’t not be grateful for their contributions. Despite many wondering why they still exist, both are still capable of creating stars. Ever heard of KJ Duff and Michael Block? –PJ Clark

Pac-12 — DP World Tour

‍Look at how they massacred such a beautiful thing in the name of cash and television rights. Shame! Shame! What was once appointment late-night viewing with some of the game’s biggest names is now almost unrecognizable, stocked with people and places you’ve never seen or heard of before. In both cases, you’re jumping at the first chance to leave if someone else would have you. –PJ Clark

Conference USA — Korn Ferry Tour

‍You’ve got some real talent here, little buddy! You should be proud of that. It’s a shame the best players leave as soon as they get good because there is life-changing money to be made elsewhere, but some genuine Hall of Famers did their time here. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Southwestern Conference (RIP) — LIV Golf (RIP)

‍Dude, not even billions of dollars in oil money could keep you afloat. Briefly shook up the sport by romancing a few new members by throwing around big money, but the whole thing was built on a false economy. Everyone bailed as soon as the money dried up. –Kevin Van Valkenburg

Notre Dame — Bryson DeChambeau

‍We get it. You’re bigger than a conference. And everyone else would do the same thing too if they could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s all fine. Just don’t come crying to us when you’re left out of the Playoff. –Joseph LaMagna